I have had a rough few weeks. You know what they say, when it rains, it pours. Oyyy!
My stress load has been a combination of financial issues, frustrations with my job, cramming in studying for exams and trying to get my physical fitness back in gear after my surgery recovery. It’s been quite a load to handle.
In addition to everything going on in my life I’ve had some horrible body image issues lately. I just haven’t been feeling that good about myself. You know the feeling, when you just can’t shake it? I can’t even put a finger on exactly why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling… but I know I don’t like it. I don’t feel strong, healthy or fit. I feel out of shape and lazy. I’m trying to get a handle on things, but it’s taking me forever! After a 20 min bike ride around the neighborhood my knee is hurting the rest of the day. After 30 min fast-walking on the treadmill (yes walking–jogging or running puts me in extreme agony) and I am sore as can be the next day. What is going on body!? Get it together! Pull yourself into shape and suck it up and move on already. Endure the pain and toughen up! I cram these thoughts into my head and say them over and over again until I sound like a broken record.
In addition to struggling a bit physically, I keep making excuses for myself mentally. I find reasons over and over again to not go to yoga or ride my bike… I feel like I have an all or nothing attitude. I know I can’t do it well, so why bother doing it? I can’t push myself into my postures like I used to or ride my bike hard enough to get my heart rate up high, so why even bother? I try to remind myself I just had a very invasive knee surgery 2 months back. I need to be patient with my body and allow myself to get back into fitness from the very beginning. But it feels like I’m starting from scratch and my body has to relearn everything. It’s not just physically challenging but even more mentally challenging.
I’m really struggling.
I know it’s okay to struggle, but I’m a perfectionist and it’s something that I have difficulty with. I know it’s okay to fail at something and have to try all over again. It’s okay to go back to the beginning…
But why do I feel like this?
LoL. Okay I loved Monopoly growing up. I can’t help it if my struggles remind me of a board game. teehee.
But, the good news is… today is my birthday. Another year older. Another year wiser… another year closer to 30… eeeps! I look at my life and the people in it, and what I’m struggling with on a daily basis, and the truth is…
The truth is I’m so incredibly grateful, in so many ways, for all of it. And I need to remind myself that once and awhile.
Happy birthday to me. I love you blog readers and friends, thanks for sticking around! :)